Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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