I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
