she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
