I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
