Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
