yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
