I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
