so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
