i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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