Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
me + whiskey = a bad person
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
