I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
