Define "chronic" masturbator.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Randomize
