My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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