He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i came on her dog
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
