News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
