he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
