the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
