you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
it was like eating out sand paper
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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