I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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