Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
