The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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