I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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