did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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