When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
