Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
