I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I believe in your delicious
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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