When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
