Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm too high and old for this...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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