my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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