I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
