I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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