if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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