Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
