totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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