We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
