my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
