Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
