I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
You left your phone here
Wait...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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