I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
