I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
