note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
