I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
