i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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