Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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