i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
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