I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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