So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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