A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
