he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
