Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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