there's paper in my vomit.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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