They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i think i just lost a toe
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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