Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
