you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
