i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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