I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
