he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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