we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize