I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize