Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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